No Pun Intended

So, it's been about 2 months since my last post. I've been unbelievably busy with college. I go to University of Colorado. Marijuana just became legalized here, so every other person you might talk to is probably high. I'm not even kidding here- I walked into  one of my English classes and the kid next to me smelled like he showered in weed and then hot-boxed (a term meaning smoking with the windows and doors closed to obtain a better high) his bathroom. When I saw my first dispensary, I freaked out like a little kid who sees the Disneyland castle for the first time. I was purely excited, not only because I'm secretly an immature 12 year-old boy who will most likely laugh at the "that's what she said" jokes, but because I had never seen one before, besides medical ones. Now, I'm not going to lie on this blog, so I'll tell you a small story. My roommate's friend bought us a pot brownie. My roommate went out later that night, so I decided to eat a little more than half. I don't remember much, but I was told that I stood in the hallway of my floor with half of a fruit rollup hanging out of my mouth. All I did was stand and occasionally say "hi" to people for about 20 minutes. A couple of days later, I went to a frat party with my roommate, let's call her Deli (only because I am currently craving deli food). A guy walked up to Deli and I and asked us to help him get in. We walked up to the front and he pretended to be my boyfriend. They wouldn't let him in, only us. So, Deli and I decided on a much smarter way to get him in (keep in mind,  we may have been under the influence of alcohol). We walked around to the back and saw an open window. "This is a brilliant idea!" I screamed confidently at Deli and the guy. They both agreed. Deli moved the curtains out of the way and shoved my boyfriend (not really) in the window. She turned around with a look of horror and screamed "THEY SAW HIM!" as if we were in Vietnam in an undercover secret mission. We both sprinted away, opposite directions of course (because what's an action movie without 2 stupid people collaborating on different escape routes separately?). We never knew what came about our new friend. To this day (a week later), I still wonder what he is up to. I'm going to stop typing now before I reveal too much about Deli and start taking more about my other friend, Half-Baked Chocolate Chip Cookie (no pun intended).

The Bachelorette, Twitter, and World War III

Here's just a small rant. So I'm watching the Bachelorette right now, and the more I watch it, the more I wonder why I actually watch it. I mostly watch it just so I can tweet about it (@sarajmarks). Twitter is a huge part of why I watch anything. What's the point of watching something if I can't let everyone know what I'm watching? I can be that one pessimist that likes to make asshole remarks about each person. "Aww you have a son? That's perfect for me!" Said no Bachelor/Bachelorette ever. The thing that bothers me the most about this show is that you get emotionally invested in certain contestants and when they leave, World War III breaks out with you vs. your TV, and trust me, you usually win...and this is not always a good thing. I think my favorite contestant ever was named Bentley. Bentley was by far the biggest ass. My favorite quote from him was "I'd rather swim in a pool filled with my own piss than kiss Ashley again." My ABSOLUTE favorite moment with him was when he decided to leave and Ashley hugged him to say goodbye and he said very sexually "So a lot of things could happen in this position..." One girl from the Bachelor actually quoted "Sex and the City". I wish I was kidding. Some of these girls just get way too competitive and psychotic. But let's be honest, the more psychotic, the better the show is. After one moment of meeting the guy, suddenly each girl thinks they're basically married/in a relationship with him...

So basically that's why I still watch Bachelor/Bachelorette.

The Confusing Case of the Conservative

I have this teacher, (and for privacy purposes I am going to change his name, Mr. Jones. Mr. Jones is feared by a lot of students because he is scary. He has his funny moments though, like when he showed up that he can do a perfect impression of a cow mooing. He teaches economics. We don't learn much about the economy in his class, as he gets off topic very easily. For instance, the last thing I learned in his class was that if you don't milk a cow for a long time when it clearly needs to be milked, its utters will explode. I'm not sure if this is actually correct, but I like to think it is. We're playing this stock market game, where you invest fake money into real stocks. I am currently in 126th place, which is dead last. When Mr. Jones says something to you even if you're not sure what it is/means, you don't argue- you go along with it. Here is an exchange between him and I last class. Keep in mind that I have no idea who Dalton is.
MJ: My stocks are doing terrible... this is the worst I've ever done in all of my years of teaching.
Me: If it makes you feel better, I am in last place...
MJ: It really does, thank you Ms. Marks. Did you hear about Dalton?
Me: (confused look) Yea
MJ: Can you believe he's going to Ole Miss for college?
Me: (slightly more confused) No I cannot
MJ: Right? His friends are all wondering why because he's not liberal at all!
Me: (begins to get slightly more confident, but still confused) I know! His friends were all like "What are you doing?!"
MJ: I know! That college is totally not him at all!
Me: (even more confident about this confusing conversation) Right?! It's like what are you doing!?
MJ: It's so bizarre
Me: (gets cut off by bell ringing, signaling lunchtime- breathes sigh of relief that the conversation is over and leaves)
What I deduced from this conversation was that Dalton is a conservative with supportive friends. The obvious thing I could have said here was "I don't know who that is.." but pretending I did seemed like a lot more entertaining and he was actually speaking to me in a positive manner.

Hipsters, Italians, Vespas, and Bikes

It's been a while since I made my last blog entry. I've been really busy, but now I feel like there's a major issue I need to talk about: Bikes.
I hate when I'm driving my car and a bike rider is near me. I especially hate when they go into my lane. New flash: YOU ARE NOT FAST ENOUGH TO GO IN THE NORMAL CAR LANE. Unless you can bike at an average speed of 50 MPH, you have no business getting all up in my lane. I might be a cynic about bikes because I naturally hate them, but I don't believe that they should have the same rights as a normal car. I'm not going to lie, there have been so many times when I have been SO tempted to open my window and scream "Hey biker! Get a Car!" (I'm not very assertive I'll admit).
Bikers aren't only irritating to me when I'm driving, but also when I'm walking. If you can sue someone for hitting you with a car, then you should be able to sue someone for hitting you with a bike. If bike riders want all of the same rights as cars (AKA biking in my lane and thinking they're as fast as me), then they should be eligible for people to sue if they hit you. My brother almost got hit by a bike while he was at his college walking to class, and I'm not going to lie it would have been hysterical if he was hit. If he was hit, I would call my lawyer (if I had one) so quickly that the biker wouldn't have known what hit them (PUN!). While I'm ranting about bikes, there's one more point I'd like to bring up: If you own a Vespa, you are by NO means a motorcycle rider. If you are proud of the fact that you drive a Vespa, then you are probably some hipster who doesn't want to go by the status quo. And by this logic, riding one of those old fashioned 3 wheel bikes doesn't make you special. It makes you look ridiculous. The only time that people should be seen driving Vespas are A. a person in an Indie Movie. B. If you are Zooey Deschanel. C. If you are Italian.

Major Issues

So it's been a while since I've blogged, I know. I've been thinking about so many things to talk about, but right now, the most relevant topic is one that many high school seniors face: college. I despise talking about college or any of that kind of "future"-related issues. To me the WORST questions are "So, what college are you going to go to? What are you going to major in? Would you rather talk about college or rip your own skin off?" I don't even know what I'm going to eat for breakfast tomorrow morning or how I got that bruise on my left leg, let alone where I am going to go to college. Major? Now I have to choose a major that will determine what kind of job I will have and how much money I will make? The last thing on my mind is my major. I'm pretty sure that my sister majored in alcohol and how to properly get drunk. To be honest, I'm pretty sure that that is what most high school students predict college will be like. I wish there was a "I'm just here to have fun and stuff" major. I know that some of you may be questioning "But Sara...why even go to college then?!" Well, you curious Carl, the answer is that I want to learn more about film and life. I realize that I have wanted to major in film for the longest time, but after looking at all of the requirements and classes I need to take and programs I need to apply for, I just want to minor in sleep. I have a hard enough time taking care of my dogs, let alone applications to programs. In fact, five minutes ago I found my dog Bailey's entire head in a bag filled with treats. I was going to take a picture of it and post it on twitter like most people do, but instead I just watched the entire scene play out on its own.

New Year's Eve

"You guys! School starts on Monday! I can't wait!" Said no one ever. But seriously, I don't want to go back to school. If I go back, then that means that finals are in like 3 weeks and I don't want to take finals. But instead of focusing on something as stupid as people who take their cats on walks, let's focus on New Year's Eve.
Normally, on New Years Eve, I don't go to parties or any of that. My best friend (again, for privacy purposes, her name will be Lily) and I went to a party that my brother's friend was throwing. It was a huge party and a rapper named The Game even made an appearance. I had only heard of The Game once before that night. He was a judge on America's Next Top Model for a music video shoot the models were doing. Anyways, a couple days before the party, I went on my TMZ app and one of the headlines read "The Game: 'I'm a Pot Smokin' Tax Fraud'". So obviously, I knew this guy must be a pretty fun guy to hang out with. I mean he has a "The" before his name... Throughout the party, I kept pondering what to call him if we ever talked. Do I say "Hey The Game" or "Yo Game". These thoughts took up about 20 minutes. He was going to perform around 11:30.
 Lily and I were exhausted. I forgot to mention that I was really sick and she had a cold. We only came for the entertainment and the drama. Everyone our age at the party (it was also an adult party as well) naturally went off into their own cliques and circles and began talking. Let me just say that I was really impressed about how quickly everyone was able to separate off into their own groups so quickly. Lily and I were sitting by ourselves at a table and I turned to her and said "You know, if we were in a classroom right now, we'd be the anti-social ones sitting in the back eating their own hair" and she responded with "Yea, I know." So anyways, The Game finally arrived. At 11:32, he walked onstage and began performing. I was very confused for many reasons. 1. I had only heard of the guy once before and yet EVERYBODY new the lyrics to his songs (to be fair, basically the only words he raps are "drunk" and "bitches" so I learned the raps pretty quickly) 2. I was more just curious about this one- everywhere I looked, people were making out. I probably looked pretty weird just staring, but I was purely observing... from a few feet away. At one point, I was standing there with Lily as everyone was freaking out and rapping their little hearts out. I had managed to get literally sandwiched between a girl taking a video on her phone behind me and a guy in front of me, who was grinding on a girl. I felt it all. I felt her boobs squeeze up against my back (it was SO uncomfortable). I felt his butt and back constantly smack me along with the beat of the rap. And then he elbowed me in the head multiple times. Fun night. After my extremely uncomfortable experience of what I'd assume a fully-clothed orgy is like, I turned to Lily and watched her laugh hysterically at me. This random guy named Brandon turned to me and say hey. I said hey back. Remember, during this entire time, The Game rapping and dancing. Brandon grabbed me and literally went through the decades of dancing within 30 seconds. He first grabbed my hands and started to do the twist. That formed into him ballroom dancing with me and full on spinning me. Then from there, he turned me around and tried to get all up on me. I turned around and smiled and Lily and I walked away, again with her laughing hysterically like a damn hyena.

Moaning and Eye Contact

Okay so I'll admit this: I go to a psychiatrist. He is by far the weirdest person I have ever met and I known myself for 17 years. He gets really into my life, but not in the normal way someone in his profession does. I was talking to him about college and I told him some schools I got into. Every time I said a school, I swear he looked and sounded like he was about to orgasm from excitement. I appreciated it, but I could go without the moaning and eye contact. This is how our conversation went (his name will be changed because of the whole privacy thing and how I don't want anyone to harass him and scream "I READ A BLOG AND YOU WERE IN IT!" I'm assuming I'm THAT famous right now):
Dave: So what colleges did you get into?
Me: Umm... University of Arizona...
Dave: (quietly spasming)
Me: ...University of Kansas...
Dave: (begins to make orgasm noises)
Me: (gets nervous) University of Colorado...
Dave: (shakes a little bit and yelps softly)
Me: ...Colorado State
Dave: (moans a little louder)
Me: ....Northern Arizona University
Dave: (begins moan even louder and convulses like chills just went down his body)
Me: ...and I'm waiting on University of Oregon and a couple of other schools
Dave: (completely looses it and moans loudly and makes complete eye contact with me) OH MY GOSH THAT IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!!!!!!! (subtly begins to calm down a bit and fixes his hair)
I really appreciated the enthusiasm he had, but needless to say, it did make me a tad uncomfortable with all of the eye contact.